Hit a plateau

So it's been long and I meant to write here....I did mental posts as I ran the past few weeks. hahahaha

Now I am starting on week 8 of couch to 5K (consider a couple of weeks off with illnesses) and I can run for 25 minutes straight!!! So I thought I owned the world and I decided to further my training and move from treadmill to outdoor. BOY was I disapointed...and devastated. I live in a HUGE city with lots of irregular streets, ups and downs and just awful awful pavement to run in. I couldn't run for 10 minutes straight! I was so ashamed!!!!
TMI* but my underwear kept moving up my but and I felt SO uncomfortable passing people by and imagining that they were looking at my huge butt moving up and down....then I kept thinking that I was running to slow.....then I kept thinking people noticed how the fat girl couldn't run to and entire 10 minutes without walking and looking really red.....and so the self consciousness got the best of me and I headed home and completed 18 minutes of running/walking outside. (I think it was more, because the podcast kept restarting as I kept hitting the songs as I ran and had to readjust it to go back to my podcast).
I FEEL SO SELF CONSCIOUS NOW!!!! I don't even want to try to run outside anymore. My dad keeps telling me that if I want to run the Sao Silvestre I had to build endurance and I can't if I am only running 3 times a week. Then he tells me I have to run outside and I physically can't...so I just want to curl up and cry....as I think that all I have done was really for nothing.....because I can only run 25 minutes in a treadmill....and that will definitely not be the case for the 15K coming up December 31st.
I AM ASHAMED!!! and I am still fat!!!!

Going to weight watchers I have lost so far 6 kgs.

Well....that was the case until today. Where I learned that I went to 6 to 4kg. I don't know what happened and how I got the weight on. (if I stop to analyze it I should know! right???not couting my points will take me to "great" places)What I do know is that it's messing with my brain....and let me tell you, the hardest thing to change when losing weight is a fat girl's mind set.

I will do a better post on how I am feeling emotionally, but I just wanted to jot down how disapointed and low I am right now....I am sure this will help in the future.

I have had MANY ups and downs....and I have learned how to love exercising. That is a HUGE HUGE HUGE step. I have been consistent to 5 months now with my exercise routine (and that has NEVER happened before) , I just can't seem to commit on changing what I eat .
I have to give myself SOME credit right???the exercise is down....now onto to eating habits....or should I say #stuffingchocolateupmyface#....  :(

until next time....
cheers....

When people laugh at you....you keep going!!!!

Still strong with my exercise routine. I have been listening to a podcast called "couch to 5K" from NHS and I guess it hasn't been that difficult because when I started to follow their routine I had been exercising for a couple of months already. It's awesome because it will take you from running 60 seconds at a time (something I very much struggled with 3 months ago) to 30 minutes of running straight! :) SO EXCITED. So far I'm on week 2. Running 90 seconds and resting 2 minutes. I feel energized and could almost feel the endorphins pumping in my veins when I am done.

Last week I wasn't able to make it to the WW meeting, so I have no idea how my weight is going. But today there's another weigh in. I am nervous. Easter has come and gone and we sure ate a ton of chocolate....less than I have eaten in the past, but still....lots of chocolate....and then there's guilt involved too :)  I just have to remember it's a process and I'm not always gonna be perfect. I strive for perfection but I'm not always there.

I will let you know how it was later on....

I just wanted to reinforce my commitment here to run the Sao Silvestre. Yesterday I mentioned to my family (grandma, great aunt and cousin) that I would run the SS and they LAUGUED AT ME! I was SO upset....at that moment I (re) made a commitment within myself that I would run this stupid race even if I still weigh as much as I do right now. I'm sure I won't be the same size by the last day of this year. I am hoping to be 30 kg lighter, but no matter what happens, if I have to crawl or walk I WILL RUN AND FINISH THE SAO SILVESTRE :) They have NO idea how their laughter made me upset, but it even gave me strength to keep going. I can do this!!!!!!

Victory...

So I started weight watchers....and I should have recorded before that on my first week I lost 2,2 Kg. I was so proud of myself. I even had a wedding and a party that I went to and that didn't keep me from my weight loss. :)))

Losing weight is a continuous battle. Talk about a pep talk every time you are going to put something inside of your mouth: is this worth it? remember to chew 30 times, I want to eat more of it, you can't eat more, one will satisfy you, did I gain any weight? I need to control myself.....

Those are some of the thoughts that go thru my mind....

Today I went for my second weigh in. I lost 500 gr. I was a bit disappointed but the hubby is trying to help me keep my perpective. Last week he had me hold 2 kg of flour so I could have an idea of how much I lost. Today he made me hold a pack of lasagna. It was only 500 gr...but that was something. That is about 5 sticks of butter in the USA.

I could have done better. But chocolate got the best of me. I opened up the chocolate package that I am going to make for Easter and got a piece of it one day and another piece the next. I need to make that chocolate this week. The girls are gonna love it. :)

This week's goal: 1 kg

I told the hubby that when I am 10 kg lighter I am sure I'm gonna be feeling so much better. First of all to be off the triple digits, and second of all because I already feel much more energized and beautiful with almost 3 kg less than what I started with!!!

I have exercised every day of the week so far. I will have to make an extra effort to exercise tomorrow because my parents are gonne be busy and my mom is the one who watches the girls so I can exercise. She will be off and my dad has to work earlier, so I don't know how I am gonna do with the girls and their swimming lessons. But I will make the time. 1 hour of running and walking (30 minutes of each taking turns) is my goal!

I am also joining ZUMBA. I found out it's affordable!!! So I am taking the opportunity to add some fun to my routine. I have decided that I will go to the gym 3 times a week and will do Zumba twice a week (instead of swimming). I need to train for the 15K I am running december 31st, so I need the gym at least 3 times a week for weight lifting and cardio. I am sad to let swimming go for now....but Zumba is so much fun and I can't wait to just shake off my stress during my classes. I have done it twice already and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. I feel embarrassed when I see myself dancing and shaking in front of so many people, but I have to let go and focus on losing weight...I focus on the calories I am losing and the fun I have. So I end up sweating bullets and coming out with a HUGE smile at the end of the class. I too have good coordination, so I am a cute chubby girl dancing in class. :) lol

I noticed that I also have a hard time moving as fast as I want to because I am 30 kg over weight. I think about the flour package my husband showed me. I have 30 of those around my body. It's pretty amazing how much I let myself go. I envision my life being a lot easier once I get rid of those kgs! But I never give up during class. I always keep up with the teacher because I don't want to be the chubby one that couldn't keep up....however I feel the pain of those that can't....I think being over weight can be embarrassing in so many ways....my heart goes out to people that are battling in this huge war!

KEEP IT STRONG!!!!

Monday on a funk....

Today there was no work out. I had so much to do at home!!!too many clothes to wash and iron and the house looked disgusting.....but I found that if I don't work out I move slower and have less energy during the day...interesting huh??I would say even incredible!

Today I was in such a funk it was hard to keep myself from over eating. I am having a hard time knowing how to count the points on my normal food: rice and beans, meat....let's say I'm having chilli (homemade). How do I count the points exactly??

So I ate lots of fruits (the good part) and 2 pieces of brownie: I feel terrible!!!

The problem with emotional eaters like me is that when I hit a funk all I do is eat all day long. And let's face it, fighting with the husband, kids out of control, messy house... I could keep going about things that put me on a funk.....
I tried drinking lots of water. I have to say it wasn't bad today despite the brownies. Two months ago I would have shoved half of the pan down my throat. Today after I ate the second piece I cut up all the rest and gave it to my girls....no more brownie making in this house unless people take it home with them.....I have to say I was ticked about being on weight watchers and counting points. I feel very restrained. Food has always been a pleasure to me. I am hoping not to spoil it and learn how to eat less but still enjoy all different food groups.

I also thought about how much effort one needs to put into preparing healthy food. Now on a WW I am constantly thinking about how to improve recipes and how to eat lesser points during the day. I guess I will get used to it at some point?

I didn't eat all the points I should have and that is not good either. Off to eat a cucumber salad now...

I'm back!!!!

So it's been a couple of years....and even though it's supposed to be shameful I am now back. And there's no shame in renewing a commitment right?
This time around I have been exercising for about two months straight. I FEEL GREAT. I have also had a baby 3 months ago and a natural birth totally changed my view about my body. I had a natural birth before, but this last time was even more life altering. I have a renewed respect for my body and what it can do and how strong it is. I love myself and I know I can do anything.
Even though I am still fat my body already feels so much stronger.

I have been having a hard time controlling my nutrition. Intake of sweets has been a pain. I'm an emotional eater. So I have lost about 2 pounds only.
I have been working on my mind this past two months and coming to the mind state that I need to make healthier choices. I already eat well, enjoy salads and veggies ( I always enjoyed those) etc. But as I said before I overdo on carbs. (isn't that everyone's problem as well?)

Now I am ready. Really ready. Today I an joining weight watchers. It's a big commitment because I hate counting points and calories. But if I want to be healthy something's has got to give right??? I will be listening to my body now and really trying to slow down.
I am making a commitment to think twice and to become a healthier person this year of 2012.

I also have a goal. I will be running a 10K in august AND the "Sao Silvestre" December 31st in the city of Sao Paulo. I am SO excited!!!!

This will be a diary of my struggles and thoughts throughout my process of losing weight.


cheers

A new start!!!

So, I did really well for almost two weeks working out every day and then holidays and bla bla bla...needless to say I haven't been to the gym until today. However I'm not gonna beat myself up because of mistakes. My friend Emily taught me that and that's how she really changed according to her account, because she just kept going despite all mistakes. That's what I'm doing,it's a new year,new day and new start every time. I make the choice of improving and loving myself.

I FEEL AWESOME, I went to the gym and did an interval elliptical training for 1 hour, and I didn't even feel it. My goal for the new year though is to exercise in the mornings. Not so early that is going to make me hate exercising, but early enough so my husband can stay with the kids and I can start the day with lots of energy.

M, W and F- I will be going to the gym at 8-hubby has class at 10:15am

T and Th- I will be hitting the gym either at 7 or at night, I can't quite decide. What do u guys think??

The reason I don't like exercising at night very much is because I get too energetic and also because GOING is harder. I'm so tired by the end of the day, especially when my baby has been fussy and needs to be held all day :) (like today...)

But I went and I feel really good. I need a work out that makes me HURT(a good hurt, I enjoy hurting the day after cuz it tells me I worked hard),so I'm following a basic training from phit-and-phat blog, here's the link: http://phit-n-phat.typepad.com/phitnphatcom/basic-beginner-training.html. Let's see if it works...if I don't hurt, I'm changing it. I'm also adding the jumping jacks in between my sets for fat burning purposes and I hope it makes me tired and happy :D

By the way, last post I was at 223 instead of 221 and now i'm at 220 lbs, 40 lbs until my goal weight. Also to make me more motivated to work out, I have asked my hubby to give me a dog once I reach the 40 lb mark. He could not believe I would be motivated by a dog, but he was kind enough to allow a dog in our home. So I think he really is the best hubby ever: supportive, kind, fun,handsome and many other adjectives that make him the person he is. I'm a lucky girl :D

I learned today something that I probably knew inside of me but never had the AHA moment. It was through Emily's blog again (can you tell she is a huge inspiration to me ;) ). She said that she would just wish and wait for change like it would happen, but she did nothing about it, and that's exactly where I kinda am right now. I want and wish for change, but am too lazy to do anything sometimes. So I feel more empowered now that I realized that.

I know that the first 2 weeks are going to be tough until I get into the habit of exercising, but I KNOW it will be worth it. I watched the biggest loser yesterday and I wanted to cry I had to hold myself several times and leave the living room a couple more. I think people that never had to deal with their weights (I'm not talking about 2-3 pounds. I'm talking weight that makes u extremely unconfortable and has been there forever) will ever ever ever ever understand how emotional losing weight can be, how mentally challenging and what a soft spot it is. I wanted to cry hearing their stories because even thought I'm not morbidly obese I am WAY overweight- even though I still believe I carry it "well" (denial???) I can totally relate to the sadness, shame and humiliation it means to their lives. I think sometimes I embarrass my husband because I'm overweight- I still think that and still wish I was skinny so people didn't see that he was married to a fatty. So their struggles became my struggles and if you really want to see me mad is to make fun of someone in that program, because I FEEL their pain. They are totally putting themselves out there with almost no clothes on (come ooooon little shorts and a top?). They are giving everything!!!!!!!!!! Do you think it's easy for them to have hanging bellies and stand there to be weighed in front of two amazingly beautiful/handsome personal trainers + millions of americans? I don't know which one is harder to have America see their bodies as they are, or to work their butts off during the week. It's deeper and more painful than anyone who has never struggled with it can imagine (DON'T tell me I'm being dramatic and I'm not that bad because when I look at my pictures what I see is different from what I see in front of the mirror-denial?distortion???)

I'm there, it's painful and it hurts and it's hard to write the things that I'm writing. However, I'm doing it and I'm doing something about it too. Slow and steady change is what I'm going for. Here's to my big friends from Biggest loser and their courage, and also my courage to put it all out there. It's liberating really. I feel like I'm already getting lighter. :)

So here is to continuous change to a new me :)

Barb

PS: I am taking before and after pictures, but I'm posting them as I lose a little more weight, because I'm too embarrassed right now to show any pictures of me (and by the way, I won't show my head, even though a lot of you know exactly how I look like :) it still makes it more humiliating to me)

PS2: Another goal that I have is to be able to go thru the "Insanity" work out by Shawn after I have lost some weight (I know I can't physically do it right now). Look it up if you've never seen in before. I'm psyched about it!!!!!!!!!!

The beggining of a battle

So, I created this blog in order to express feeling and sort through them....things that have never been talked about and emotions that were rarely aloud to come to surface. I haven't even started and this blog is already emotionally heavy! :D

My decision to blog came from courageous people that inspired me to do something about my desire to change. The desire is to change my body.

Since I was a little girl I was made fun of how big I was by the other kids,it really makes me upset to just think about it. I think I never mentioned this to anyone but my husband. So I grew up to be an outgoing, fun and bubbly person around others. I was always fun and had many friends, but never really allowed people to make fun of me. I was always the one to make fun of myself first in order to show how in control of the situation I was. It worked, I think people thought I never had a problem with my weight. Being originally from Brazil you are just too weird not to think about your weight and your body,especially when all your friends go through great lengths to keep their skinny selfs in shape. Still I always struggled with my shape. I learned we are supposed to love ourselves for who we are and that we have a divine nature and that we are all different. That was enough to force myself to accept and love who I was, but really...I don't think I ever LOVED who I was...I was in complete denial. Thinking I loved good, because I am a good looking gal but seeing pictures of me on camera made me want to cry. How could I have gotten to that point??

So this is my effort to recognize myself again and to be the person I've always wanted to be and struggle to believe I can be. This is going to be me now. Blogging my ideas, my fears, my struggles. The candid truth. The bad and the ugly. I hope I can handle all this truths without crying like a baby meanwhile.

Today was my second day at the gym. I have been a chubby active person all my life and after my two kids I became a chubby sedentary person. I am committing myself to change now and I need help :) anyone out there is more than welcome to throw some encouraging words...if they are not encouraging keep them to yourself. I am not here to hear criticism of anyone other than myself.

I worked out for 50 minutes,doing and interval at the elliptical machine. My legs feel good and they are hurting a bit, that's how I like it....a little pain to know I'm doing something after all. :)

My goal is to reach 180 pounds and see how I look from there and decide if I want to lose more. I've never been that weight so I have no idea what I will look like and I have no aspiration of being a size 0.

Actual weight: 221 pounds. (7 pounds lighter than last week because of a stomach flu)

More to come...here is to change...

cheers